As I am sure a lot of you know, going through cancer treatments like chemotherapy and radiation can often lead to hair loss. In this post I’ll dive into how I felt about losing my hair when it first happened, how I learned to cope with it, and how I feel about the topic now. I hope that wherever you are in the process I can help the thought of losing your hair feel a little less daunting.
This is a tough topic to discuss because I know that people feel very differently about having a bald head. Obviously the thought of shaving off your hair hits differently depending on who you are and where you are in life.
I am not going to try to play it off like losing your hair is no big deal. When I was first diagnosed, I was about to turn 15 years old. I was in high school. I didn’t want to be the bald kid! I thought it would be embarrassing.
When I was first told that the chemotherapy would make my hair fall out, I remember being more nervous about that than I was about the cancer diagnosis itself. I think that was in part because I knew I couldn’t hide it. If it was just cancer, I thought I could fake it to people to make it seem like I felt fine. But being bald seemed like the end of the world because everyone would know I was sick.
My first question was “can I get a wig?”
I didn’t actually start to notice my hair falling out until a few months in. In fact, one of my doctors told me that because I’d made it so long, I might never lose my hair.
Well, it happened that weekend. I was playing video games and itched my head, and sure enough some hair came out. Not a piece or two, but a full-on clump.
My advice to you, take it or leave it, is that when this happens, definitely stop pulling at it. If you keep pulling it, it will start to look patchy, and then you really will look sick.
That night, I had my dad shave my head. My grandparents were over our house at the time, and I hid from them at first. I went to look in the mirror. It was definitely shocking, but I want to tell you that it’s not as shocking as you’d think. It was still my face. It was still my head. It was still my eyes and my nose and my smile. Hair does not define you.
But even after seeing that, I was hesitant to go and say hi to my grandparents. I stayed in my room for a few minutes deciding whether or not I was ready yet. Sure enough, I walked out, and do you know what everyone told me? That I looked good. And that I looked healthy.
That was not the reaction I was expecting.
But that was the beginning of the positive reinforcement that I needed. Which leads me to the next tip of mine. Surround yourself with people that will support you. Surround yourself with family if possible, and if that’s not possible then shave your head in the hospital surrounded by nurses. Someone that will tell you that it’s not embarrassing to have a shaved head.
Be close to someone that will tell you the truth – that you’re a total badass.
That was step one of my coping. Positive reinforcement. However, going back to school was still a huge obstacle. When I did go back, I was terrified and I kept a baseball hat on the whole time. But guess what, no one was there to make fun of me. No one was there to call me names (except for maybe my close friends calling me baldy for some much needed cancer humor).
Everyone was just so happy to see me doing well.
And there’s coping mechanism #2 – start letting more people see you (when your doctors say you can go out in public again of course).
But I still hadn’t let anyone at school see me without a hat on.
Until hockey season started. The guys in the hockey locker room had to see me without a hat of course because I needed to get my helmet on. But those were my teammates. My family. They were already supportive and I wasn’t nervous around them.
But then for our first game, we went out and warmed up, and all of a sudden we lined up for the National Anthem.
Crap.
How could I have forgotten about that? We have to take our helmets off! The whole school was watching!
With no choice, I took my helmet off. The whole school could see my bald head. And do you know what happened?
I was proud of myself. I was proud to show off my bald head because I was fighting cancer, and I was kicking cancer’s ass.
I felt like I was redefining what it was to be a cancer patient. I wasn’t sick. I was standing here on the ice playing hockey because screw cancer, and screw being bald.
Which brings me to how I feel about the topic now.
Being a cancer patient is not something to be ashamed of or embarrassed about. I’d like to write a whole new blog post about that topic itself because it is so important to understand. The bald head is like a badge of honor. It screams that you are fighting like hell and that you are an absolute warrior.
If you’re at the time of diagnosis now, I get it. It might not make sense yet, but someday I hope that you’ll understand what I mean.
Fighting cancer means you’re tough. Fighting cancer is inspiring. Fighting cancer means that you get to tell a story that most other people can’t tell.
My advice is whether you shave your head, wear a hat, head scarf, or wig, be proud and own it. Own that badge of honor and walk around with your bald head held high because the more that you do that, the more people will see you for what you are: a warrior. A survivor.
They won’t see you as a sick person. They’ll be inspired by your strength. I know I am.
Good luck, and be proud.
As always, please feel free to reach out to me on my contact page if you have any questions, tips of your own, topics you would like to see covered, or just feel like chatting to someone that’s been through it. I am always here for you.
-Alex
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Featured image is one of my own!