Regardless of how tough this topic is to be open and honest about, I think that mental health is absolutely something worth having a discussion about because quite honestly it just isn’t talked about enough.
Mental health as a cancer survivor should be simple, right?
Great! I beat cancer! I’m so happy and have an amazing outlook on life and everything is great and grand and nothing will ever make me sad ever again! That’s how it works, right?
Wrong.
So. Wrong.
There are just so many insane things that happen to cancer patients. Things that no person should ever have to deal with to survive. Of course it is going to leave mental scars. It is just so unrealistic to assume that anyone would walk away from the challenges of cancer survival mentally unscathed.
I’ve been really into self-development for the past few years, trying to understand myself and the PTSD that comes after a traumatic event like cancer, and I’ve come to believe that being honest with yourself and being honest with others is one of the most important things you can do for your well-being. Taking my own advice here, I’ll share with you some of the mental struggles I’ve encountered as a result of fighting cancer.
So while some of this post may seem negative, it is actually meant to be a beacon of hope for anyone out there dealing with the issues I speak about below.
In fact, cancer actually isn’t all negative, believe it or not. Cancer has taught me so much, and has given me an outlook on life that is unparalleled to what most people have. I am able to enjoy little things like the comforts of sitting in my living room because I know the overwhelming sadness that comes with being stuck in a hospital bed. I have developed the confidence to truly believe that I can do anything because I beat cancer. And perhaps the most beneficial outcome of my fights with cancer is my deep appreciation for time spent with loved ones, because I understand that anything can happen.
For all of you out there currently struggling with the mental effects of PTSD, I want you to know that you’re not alone, and that things do get better with time, patience, and some effort toward self-improvement.
This post is also meant to serve as information for caregivers and friends of those going through traumatic times, and to inspire them to continue checking on the survivor after the fight is “finished.” Because while a lot of people might think that the fight is won when treatments end, the mental battle goes on a hell of a lot longer.
There are, of course, countless internal (and external) scars left after a traumatic event, but for the sake of avoiding an entirely endless rant, I’ll limit this post to what I’ve realized, over time, were probably my biggest mental struggles post-treatment.
Struggle #1: Negative Thoughts
I think a lot of people assume that I’m always okay, because I’m generally an upbeat, positive, happy person. But the truth is, cancer left me, and a lot of other survivors, a total wreck inside.
This isn’t the case for everyone that fights cancer, and it wasn’t even always true for me. The first time I beat cancer, I actually came out with the mindset I described right at the beginning of this post. I was proud, I was confident, and I felt invincible.
But then, right when I felt like nothing bad could ever happen to me because I was a freaking cancer survivor, my cancer came back. And then all of a sudden I was back in that damn hospital bed, fighting for my life…again.
I think that’s the part that messed me up the most. Realizing that I couldn’t escape it. It could just happen. Again. Without warning. The first time I was diagnosed, I thought “alright I’ll kick the crap out of this and be done with it.” And believe it or not, that’s what I thought after relapsing too. At the beginning. But then this feeling of “how long until next time…?” started to creep in.
How long until I get diagnosed again? How long until the cancer comes back?
And this is a terrifying thought that stays with a lot of cancer survivors forever. It’s the fear of relapse. I don’t even like writing down that I have those thoughts because I try so hard to block them out. To avoid thinking about them. Writing it down makes it real. But I’m here talking about it, right? So I may as well be honest.
And then those awful thoughts of yet another relapse tend to cause me to worry about something that, in my opinion, is even worse than my cancer coming back again — what if a loved one gets sick? Watching that happen would be so much worse than if I personally got cancer again. I’ve found myself pleading to God “please, if someone needs to get cancer, if it has to happen for some reason, please make it me and not someone I love. I’m begging you.”
How messed up is that? No one should ever have to think that! Ever! But this is what traumatic events do to the brain. It affects how people think and how they view the world.
For example, since traumatic things have happened in my life, it is really easy for my brain to spiral down these “negativity-holes.” It’s almost like because of past events, my brain is assuming that traumatic events are inevitable. It is probably some human-nature-protective-thing for the brain to say “well if bad things happened before, let’s be ready for something even worse to happen in the future.”
These thoughts spiral out of control very quickly, and they just wreak havoc on stress and anxiety levels. In fact, there is a scientific term for this: “intrusive thoughts.” They’re a common symptom in PTSD and are usually used as a measurement in studies looking at PTSD patients to track progression and treatment of the mental state.
Something that I have learned over the years to combat this is to give myself “permission” to have these negative thoughts.
It sounds backwards, right? Because naturally, you’d want to avoid any negative thoughts.
But as soon as I give myself permission and think something like “of course I’m going to have these thoughts. My brain has been through hell and back. This is totally understandable,” it is almost like these intrusive thoughts vanish. Rather than getting frustrated, trying to avoid the thoughts, and having them continuously nagging in the back of my head, I acknowledge them and have the patience with myself to understand that they are nothing more than a very understandable response to the trauma that I’ve been through. Afterwards, like magic, they go away.
And of course the thoughts don’t stay away forever, but just as the repetitive negative stimulation during cancer treatment caused my brain to have these negative thoughts over and over again, repetitive instances of self-compassion, patience, and understanding have had an extremely positive effect on my mental health and have helped reverse those negative effects.
This would have helped me to know during my treatment for sure, because it probably would have reduced the stress and anxiety that was caused! Which leads me into the next big PTSD struggle…
Struggle #2: Stress and Anxiety
All of that stress and anxiety that comes along with a big traumatic event bleeds into other parts of life, like work, school, and relationships. This happened to me, and it’s why I’ve been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. It’s why I talk to a therapist every couple of weeks (which, by the way, has helped me tremendously). I was walking around as a shell of who I once was, void of any self confidence, and full of self doubt. I became an anxiety-ridden image of myself for a long, long time.
There were times I couldn’t get out of bed in the morning because it was so bad. I had paralyzing panic attacks at work when I’d feel like I was stuck there, probably because it triggered what it was like being stuck in the hospital for me.
Since those panic attacks, I have learned to use mindfulness-based stress-reduction meditation practices to pull myself out of that mental state, and get to where I am today with a mindset that I am extremely proud of. Feel free to look that up – there is so much info online about how to use MBSR to help stress and anxiety!
But I get it – if you’re like I was, you’re probably reading this thinking “great, another person telling me to meditate. That won’t work for me!”
But guys, it honestly worked wonders for me. I was so skeptical at first, but I was in a place in my life where I was willing to try just about anything to get some relief from the crippling anxiety that was filling my life. Now, about a year and a half after beginning my MBSR practices, I am feeling better than ever before.
But now I’ll move on to the next big mental struggle I encountered post-treatment, which was…
Struggle #3: Losing Independence Through Treatment
During treatment, I had people monitoring my water intake, my pain levels, getting me food, and making sure I had everything that I needed to succeed. And this was such an amazing help to me and a huge contributor to beating cancer.
However, after an experience like that and when treatment was over, it was really tough to learn to be independent again. Even just to manage my own schedule or to get my homework done without special help or more time. Something as simple as getting up to get my own water even took me a while to get used to! I was so accustomed to asking for what I needed that I really had to work hard to be able to trust myself enough to be able to do the smallest of everyday tasks, and not have to ask everyone around me for help. This even extended to something as “simple” going to class. I was absolutely terrified to do anything without someone from my immediate support system next to me!
I remember that I was so heavily reliant on my parents and nurses for my medication schedule that when it came time to move out of my parents house post-treatment, I would panic about missing a dose. Luckily my girlfriend (now my wife), who I was moving in with at the time, was on top of it too. But she was very supportive of the fight to regain my independence and tried to encourage me to handle all of these small tasks on my own, when I was feeling up for it. She got me to think to myself “am I really too tired to get up and get water? Or is it just my first instinct to ask someone else?”
It amazes me the amount of little things that cancer survivors need to work through after treatment that we’re just not prepared for and are just totally unexpected.
And here’s something that you would probably never think of as a result of a traumatic event…
Struggle #4: The Ongoing Need To Be Doing Something Miraculous
Let me explain.
When I beat cancer at age 15, everyone thought I was a rockstar. There were so many people telling me how proud they were of me and what a great job I was doing. This happened again when I beat cancer at 21. And this is awesome. Having support and feeling like you’re motivating others is an incredible fire to help fuel the fight against the disease.
The problem with this is that once the treatments are over, once I became a survivor (again), all of that stops. And I’m left to…what? Go to work every day like an average Joe? I was used to being incredible. Motivational. Inspiring. I was fighting for my life and won. Twice. But now I’m just what? Going into work every day 9-5 like everyone else? The brain doesn’t just switch like that. These feelings don’t just go away.
This often made me feel like I was just average. I felt like because I wasn’t beating cancer, or doing anything miraculous and inspiring, I just wasn’t good enough.
I know the mindset is supposed to be “Yay! I survived! I’m enjoying every minute of every day because I’m alive!!” But guys – cancer stripped away my self-confidence and my independence entirely. And I’m still working to get it back. I imagine I will be for the rest of my life.
I’m not writing this stuff because I want sympathy or pity. I am writing this stuff for all of you survivors out there that feel or have felt the same way. I want you to know that you’re not alone. It is totally normal to feel this way and neither you nor I should be ashamed or guilty of the feelings that come up after we fight for our lives.
And for any of you out there that are dealing with similar situations, I hope I can offer some hope when I tell you that things are so much better for me now than they were for the few years after my bone marrow transplant.
With a lot of time and energy spent on personal development, and with the help of an incredible support system, I am finally starting to, once again, reap the benefits of the mindset I had after beating cancer the first time. I am feeling happy and satisfied. I’m excited for each day. I have ups and downs of course, just like everyone does, but after years of focusing on my well-being and self-improvement, my mindset has become something I am truly proud of.
I think that’s why I started this blog. Because I’ve seen what trauma can do to people’s emotions and their self-esteem. It can break down even the strongest people.
But what really makes us survivors is that we are capable of building ourselves back up.
And that is what I hope to do with each and every one of these blog posts. I want to make your fight just a little bit easier, and maybe even give you a light at the end of a very dark tunnel.
And for all of you friends and family members out there supporting someone going through treatments, please don’t forget to check on them even after they are “done.” Support after treatment is so important because their mental battle will continue for a long time — a quick check-in might just mean the world to them.
I think I’ll stop there for now, hopefully leaving you with the knowledge that it does get better, as long as you put in the effort to work on yourself. Take the advice from someone who’s been there, if you push down the negative feelings that come with a serious trauma, you can only shove them down so far. Eventually they will come pouring out into all aspects of life, so it is better to be proactive and stay ahead of them.
As always guys, please feel free to reach out to me on my contact page if you have any questions, tips of your own, topics you would like to see covered, or just feel like chatting to someone that’s been through it. I am always here for you.
-Alex
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Featured image is one of my own!